Weapon nXt
by TomBAuthor93
Summary: AU: A story filled with fourth wall breakage, lemons, gore, and random outbursts. Ladies and gentlemen, the Naruto/Deadpool you've all been waiting for! Please enjoy and review. This is just for fun peeps, but there is a plot later on!
1. A Crazed Beginning

**From the author that brought you 'Ultimate Naruto: Story of Phage', 'Marvel: This is War', 'Son of Thor', and 'Will of the Green Flame'...**

"_Most people view the world in black or white and judge other people as being a 'Goodie Two Shoes' or a 'Naughty Nancy'; to be blunt, Good or Bad. Right or wrong. Waffles or Pancakes!"_

A rustic orange and black blur ran across the rooftops of Konohagakure no Sato. It was about five feet tall, not quite there but close, and ducked from shadow to shadow to avoid patrols of the village's elite shinobi. ANBU, the Black Ops Squad, not to mention the most efficient warriors in the village...possibly the least sane ones as well. The figure skidded to a halt across from a worn down apartment building on the west side of the village.

"_What do I see? Not the same thing, I'll tell ya that right now. Don't get me wrong, I think there's something to this Good and Evil shit people talk about. I just also think there's more to it than that. Like a in between guy, the guy that doesn't give a shit so long as number one is ok."_

**A story containing action, humor, romance, and fourth wall breakage...**

"_Hey! Ya mind? I'm trying to do a fucking voice over thingy here! Monologue, that's what I meant...I'm tryin to do a fucking Monologue here!"_

**Sorry...**

"_That's what I thought! Now where was I? Oh right, the whole grey line guy thing. Well, think of it this way; people think of the good guys as 'spoons' and the bad guys as 'forks'. What about the 'spork' guy? Does he get noticed at all? Or mentioned for that matter?"_

In the apartment a man beat on a young woman with black hair and bright red eyes while a lot of empty sake bottles were scattered across the room. The woman was sobbing and continued asking why over and over while the man shouted for her to shut up The figure narrowed his eyes and thought bitterly, _So now you're a big man, huh? Beating on a woman cuz you were finally able to kill the guy that had kicked your ass about three months ago? _

"This is going to be worth every penny," the figure muttered in a prepubescent teenage boy's voice with narrowed eyes. He backed up a few steps before rushing towards the edge of the building and leaping into the air. With a quick hand gesture, he vanished in a red flicker to reappear just before he crashed through the window he watched through.

"_And for that matter, who gets to say what one's actions are either good or evil? What if they're just really, really sick in the head and need help? Or, or what if a guy had a reasonable notion to kill someone, because that someone in question killed his family, would that be deemed 'Evil'? Or would it be justice? I wanna know who gets to decide this shit...Cuz I can tell ya right now it ain't me!"_

"Who the FUCK are you, ya motherfuckin brat?" the drunken civilian shouted while the red eyed woman, who the boy noticed was SMOKING HOT, eyed him with surprise. The boy grinned underneath his rustic orange mask with two large black circles on it and white one-sided mirroring lenses within them over his eyes. He wore a dark orange skin-tight shirt that revealed his impressive build and had black lines on its sides along with equally dark orange gloves he wore over his hands, two thick black wristbands holding them in place. On his left arm was a Konohagakure no Sato black headband with the signature metal plate with a spiral-ish leaf on it. The cargo pants he wore had black semi-ovals on the sides of his thighs and it looked to be held up with a utility belt of some sort. Strapped to his back were two tanto blades and on the buckle of his utility belt was a Nara-clan-like symbol in dark orange over a black circle, two white eyes on either side of the line dividing the circle. On his feet were solid black boots with dark orange soles, two black bands resting just above the ankles.

"_Why you ask?"_

"I'm the motherfuckin brat that's gonna cut you to itty bitty pieces!" the boy shouted before quickly leaping at the civilian and drawing his blades, before slicing his hand off with ease.

"_I think _that_ explains it."_

"SON OF A BITCH!" the civilian yelled as he clutched his wrist and blood squirted from the edge. The masked boy grinned and vanished with a red flicker that covered the man. He landed in a crouch across the room next to the terrified woman with his hands on his blades as they slowly sheathed. At the click, cuts appeared all over the man's body and blood spewed out from it as he fell to the ground.

"_Oh! Man, ya gotta admit readers; I'm damn good at what I do!"_

The boy turned to the horrified and blood covered woman and pulled his mask off, revealing a spikey blonde haired boy with three whisker marks on each cheek and bright blue eyes. His skin was fair and oddly tanned, as though he was only recently in the sun. He grinned at her and offered her his hand, which she looked at incredulously. It was still covered in the man's blood after all.

"You wanna be here when the ANBU arrive or what?" he asked. The woman's red eyes widened and she quickly grasped his hand before he pulled her to her feet. He then wrapped his arms around her waist, almost getting hit, before he said, "Hang on tight, pretty lady! We're goin for a wild ride!"

They vanished in a red flicker of light, reappearing on the building the boy had stopped at before. The blonde released the woman before she could cause him bodily harm and he went right to the edge. The ANBU were already rushing to the building making the blonde grin again before he pulled his mask on and pulled a small grey cylinder out with a red button on it.

"I think they'll get a blast out of this," he said to the woman, making her look at him again with wide eyes before she reached to her thigh for something. A panicked look appeared on her face as the boy held up her kunai holster and shook a finger with the hand holding the detonator.

"Now, now, Yuuhi-chan," he scolded as he shook his hand and her eyes widened, "Attacking your savior ~whose hobbies include killing, maiming, slicing, dicing, and from time to time other law breaking activities~ wouldn't be smart, now would it?"

Before she could reply, the boy tossed her holster to her and quickly pressed the button, activating many hidden bombs made from baking soda, weed killer, and surprisingly, toothpaste. With another red flicker, the boy vanished behind the woman and chopped her in the back of the neck, knocking her out instantly before he picked her up bridal style.

_God...she's so hot, _he thought before looking to the sky, "Hey! Do I get with her?...Please?"

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><p><strong>Weapon nXt<strong>

**Disclaimer: I own only the plot, Weapon X, Naruto and any other likenesses portrayed are not mine...unless I say-oof!**

"_What did I say? I fucking said to shut the fuck up!" *screaming and slicing heard*_

"_Ahh...Much better! Now...Let's go back to when my life took a turn straight to Hell...and then went back to being fun!"_

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><p>~nXt-<strong>7 Years Ago<strong>-nXt~

"_My name is Naruto Uzumaki, or as I go by when I'm on duty, Shishauzu. My story starts back about seven years ago...like the author undoubtedly mentioned above. That's another thing you're all probably wondering: How do I know about the author? Well...I think I'll let him explain that. Oh look! Here I come!"_

A small spikey haired blonde about five years old with three whisker marks on each cheek ran through the streets. He wore a pair of green shorts and a white tee with an orange swirl on it. He clung onto a piece of bread as he ran, keeping it close to his chest while a small group of drunks chased him.

"_Ah, I remember that day like it was yesterday...The sneers, the jeers, the chorus and whores...And not to mention the best damn piece of bread I've ever had in my life! Ah memories..."_

"Get the demon!" "Kill it!" "For the Yondaime!" "Let's finish what the Yondaime started!"

"_Yeah, I got my own lynch mob. So what? Wanna fight about it?"_

_Why do they hate me?_ The boy asked himself as tears ran down his cheeks and he tripped. The people slowed to a stop before surrounding him. They all proceeded to then beat on him with fists, sticks and throw rocks at him. The boy did his best to ignore it, clinging to the now dirty piece of bread he wanted to eat so badly.

"What is the meaning of this nonsense!" an elderly voice cried out in anger. The people stopped in their fighting and froze. Standing before them was the highly influential and extremely irate councilor Shimura Danzo.

The one armed, one eyed, elder of the council of Konoha had a narrowed eye locked on the villagers before glancing down at the beaten boy. Something welled within the man then, something he hadn't felt since his own son's and wife's deaths. He couldn't describe it other than the feeling of wanting to be needed by this boy, but he would never verbally or mentally admit it, so he convinced himself that he wanted to save the boy for his own ends.

"_Ah, Danzo-jiji...How thankful I felt for your interference that day."_

"Shimura-sama," a villager whimpered, "We...we were just doing away with the demon..."

"Do you fools forget the law so quickly?" Danzo hissed, making all of them widen their eyes in fear, "You are lucky Sarutobi is not present otherwise I would have to order your deaths. Leave!"

Without any objections, the villagers left. The boy kept close to the ground, knowing he was being watched still but not risking the obvious trick the villagers left for him. They had done it before, pretending to be his 'friends' in ANBU or Hokage-jiji, before beating the stuffing out of him.

"_Hey, yeah! Those assholes...Good thing I took care of those fuckers! ...Now that I think about it, though, I have more villagers to torture! Ta-ta for now, readers! I'm off to bring new definition to the word: Overkill. Wish me luck! Shishauzu...AWAY!"_

The War Hawk kept his observant eye on the boy, watching as the small cuts healed unnaturally fast and he clung to something. With a soft snap of his fingers, the old man was accompanied by an ANBU shinobi wearing a bear mask with a symbol of Ni on it. Without speaking, the shinobi went to the small boy's side and put a hand on his shoulder, simultaneously activating a genjutsu to cover himself as he pulled his mask off, revealing a man with short light colored hair, whether it was brown or blonde was uncertain to many, and dark eyes that looked to the boy as Danzo turned and walked away.

"Uzumaki," the man said softly, earning the boy's attention at being addressed by his name, "Would you like to make the villagers stop?"

"S-Stop hurting me?" Naruto asked, a sniffle escaping his features as hope gleamed in his eyes, "Yeah..."

"Then come with me..." he said. Naruto hesitated before looking at the hand being offered to him and slowly reached for it. As soon as the boy's hand rested in the Root ANBU's, the elder shinobi teleported them to the hidden base deep within the Hokage Monument.

"_I'm BA-ACK! What'd I miss? Aw damn, I missed Fu-niisan's Intro part! Where's my remote? Enough of my monologue, I'll let Tommy B decide whether or not you should learn everything in chapter one. Screw Origin chapters! They take too damn long! Besides...I don't exactly remember anything past this point, hehe."_

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><p>-nXt-<strong>Present<strong>-nXt-

Naruto dropped to the roof of his client's home before dropping again to the balcony and kneeing the glass door of the apartment. A busty woman with purple hair done up in a ponytail resembling a pineapple's top and wearing nothing but a pair of panties and a fishnet shirt opened the door and let him in.

"_Mitarashi Anko...Nuttier than a bag of almonds no thanks to her first sensei, Orochimaru of the Sannin. Her specialties revolve around my own actually. She's a hell of an interrogator and a bitching fighter, especially if she decides to get serious on your ass. Her Hebi-ken is a pain in the ass to get by, but nothing harder than what I can dish out, I'm happy to say."_

"Is he dead, gaki?" Anko asked the blonde as he laid Kurenai on the couch nearby and she shut the door and blinds. She eyed him like a predator stalking its prey, or like a horny bitch seeking a worthy mate.

"_Did I forget to mention Anko is among the few women _lusting_ for _me_? I know right? What kind of sick fucks...wait a minute, what am I, gay? Fuck no! Bring on the older women! I love you Tommy B!"_

"Would I be here if he wasn't?" Naruto replied, pulling his mask off and grinning cheekily at the woman as she licked her lips and scanned his body. The blonde tsk'ed and shook his finger, "Shame on you, Mitarashi-san, eyeing me like a piece of eye candy...then again, it is hard not to stare at the anime-equivalent of a prepubescent Taylor Lautner's abs."

"_What Twi-hard/Naru-tard doesn't agree with this? The Team Edward and Naru/Sasu fans...repressing shudder...thinking unsexy thoughts...annnnnnnnd...*Flush* much better. Now where is that air fresher?"_

"I don't know who you're talking about, but I bet he's cute like you, gaki," Anko purred, cupping the blonde's chin in one hand, "And now for your payment."

_Score, score, score, score, score, score, _Naruto thought continuously as he shut his eyes. He felt a pressure on his lips and opened his eyes to see the woman locking lips with him. When she released him he smiled, donned his mask, and left the way he came.

A moment later, a cry of, "**FUCK YES!**" echoed through the village and Anko grinned before licking her lips and returning to bed.

"_Did I mention I have a hard on for any woman like Anko? No? Well I do...it's painful sometimes...Any volunteers to help me get rid of my pains?"_

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><p><strong>AN: And that's the end of chapter—Hey! What are, goddamnit Naruto! Leggo! "No! I don't want it to be over until I kill someone else! Or explain what I do! Or-Or fuck someone!" You're a goddamn Deadpool crossover you idiot! Wade Wilson, Merc with the Mouth, or Ninja of Noisemaking if you prefer. "Ooh! I like that one! YAY! Does Naruto get happy time, now?" Ugh, fine, whatever, just go kill someone and leave me alone. "YAY! Happy Time! Tra-la-la-la-la!"<strong>

**...What have I done?**


	2. Graduating with sexerm, style

**Before we begin, Shishauzu has a complaint...Please just humor him.**

"_Thanks Tommy B! This is pitiful! Only sixteen reviews? What the fuck, guys? Don't you like Deadpool? Or ME for that matter? I thought you were my fans! Who's supposed to become my unpaid interns, which would become my hired help, which would become my ARMY of DOOM!"_

**Rip off artist.**

"_I am not! You started this!"_

**Oh, go burn in hell. I gotta get some pills...My head is killing me.**

"_GASP! Did you hear what he said to me ARMY? KILL HEEEM!"_

Naruto woke up after dreaming about arguing with the author concerning the reviews of the fic he believed his life to be set in. The blonde thirteen year old yawned and stretched as he sat up, causing another mound in the bed to groan and hug his stomach tighter. Naruto looked down with half lidded and exhausted eyes to see a brown haired pretty girl a few years older than him nuzzling into his slightly defined six-pack.

_Hmm...oh right, I got Ayame-chan in bed last night...again..._He thought before breaking out in a grin, _God I love the Author of my life._

"_NICE!"_

**Thanks, glad you like it.**

"_I'm still mad at you for chapter one."_

**...Ungrateful asshole...**

"Ayame-neechan..." Naruto muttered, poking her slightly on her head earning a groan of disapproval, "Ya gotta get up. I've gotta go to the academy."

"Skip it," Ayame grumbled as she nuzzled closer into his abdominals, "and show me that crazy side of yours again."

"Yeah, but I can't skip it," the blonde groaned as he pried the civilian girl's hands from around him, "It's the graduation exam. Iruka-sensei will kill me if I don't show."

"Fucking asshole..." Ayame growled as Naruto utilized his specialized shunshin to escape her attempt at grabbing him again, "I swear, I'm gonna kill that scarred teacher for taking my toy away from me."

"_BOO-to-the-FUCKING-YAH! I'm a fucking __whore__ baby! Whoop-Whoop! Go Naru- It's yer birthday."_

As he imagined himself dancing in glee because he's a man-whore, Naruto stood at his dresser, now clad in only black boxers, and tsk'ed whilst shaking his finger at the girl lying in his bed, "Shame on you, Ayame-neechan! Threatening Iruka-sensei in front of me...you're lucky you're one of my few precious people or I might kill you."

"Iruka's lucky cuz I'd hire you to kill him," Ayame pouted out, making the not-so-green genin-to-be laugh loudly as he got dressed in his usual clothes. Ayame watched him dress with a lusting gleam in her eye and a genuine smile. Sure he was young, and slightly crazy, but he was a very good friend. Not to mention he had a nice ass.

"_Dude! Fuck yes! Do I get free ramen?"_

**Don't push it.**

"He's tried to get me to kill ya you know," the blonde absently as he pulled his 'Work Threads' on as he called them, "All that ramen you make him pay for is killing his funds for his dates with what-her-ass, Oh! I think it's...Right, some hot babe I fucked behind his back...Harley? No...Ah, it'll come to me...maybe...Is he even dating?"

"_Ah, well, ya win some and ya lose some, I guess...WINNING!"_

"Tch, he doesn't work hard enough for any kind of ass," the ramen girl scoffed out as she rolled onto her stomach to ogle the still developing abs on the blonde, awaiting eagerly when they would be even more defined and rock hard. Her favorite part of his anatomy was hidden from her, right now anyway, so she had to settle for the third best option as the psychotic blonde gaped at her.

"Who are you to decide what Iruka-sensei deserves?" he asked her as he held his shirt in his left hand.

"Only his Ramen Chef," Ayame said with a smirk in an obvious tone, "_Everyone_ knows Ramen Chefs are the bartenders of shinobi. We're the free therapists or, in your case, stress-relievers they flock to for some reason."

"Your old man never told you why?"

"As if he knows anything about things other than how to cook ramen properly, or, how to swindle a few extra bucks," she replied with an eye roll as he pulled the shirt on and flattened it to his body, "Hell, Daddy doesn't even know I've been giving you head since you were ten."

"_I love you Tommy B...seriously, if I were gay, I would push you against the wall and just do so many nasty things to you-"_

**I don't wanna hear it! *Covers his ears* La-la-la-la-la-la!**

"And people call me dense..." the boy muttered as he pulled his mask up to rest below his mouth, hooked on his chin, "Do you have a goodbye/good-luck kiss for me?"

"You only have to ask, Naru-kun," Ayame purred as she sauntered over the blonde, stark naked, and pressed her lips against his in a chaste kiss. When they parted she pulled his mask up to cover his lower face and said, "I'm gonna straighten this place out and take a shower. Need anything from the store?"

"_What are we, Married? Fuck! I don't wanna be married! I wanna be a bachelor! I hate you Tommy B!"_

"Bah, stores-whores," Shishauzu waved off as he walked away, "There's splurging money for you on the dresser under your bra from last Thursday night, Neechan. Get yourself something sexy...like a schoolgirl outfit!"

As he vanished in his red shunshin, Ayame shook her head before walking to the shower and muttered, "If it weren't for his faulty grip on reality, I'd marry that boy...nope, I'd still marry him. Kami, he has such a nice ass...Just a few more years and-"

She squeaked, jumped, and turned around in time to see a blonde giggling perversely as he walked to the door again. The boy turned and raised his left hand while his right rested on the doorknob and he pinched his pointer and thumb together. Ayame flushed red when he winked and opened the door, wide enough for any passerby (not that there were any) to see the ramen girl completely vulnerable, before walking out and shutting it behind him. The brunette girl smiled and released her own perverse giggle as she resumed her walk to the shower.

_Oh yeah,_ she thought, _I'd marry that boy in an instant._

"_...must...have...Ayame..."_

* * *

><p><strong>Disclaimer: <strong>_**"Tommy B don't own me or DP...but if ya need one of the latter call us at four-four-zero-"**_** *Scuffling and a yelp* Ignore him. I own nothing aside from this fucked up thing I call a plot...**

**Weapon nXt**

**Chapter 2: Exams, Bullshit, and Lame References**

"_Damn that chapter title sucked..."_

* * *

><p>"Man..." Naruto whined as he walked through the village and his stomach rumbled, "I should've woken up earlier so I could've eaten sumthin..."<p>

"_Ayame-chan's poon-tang, perhaps?"_

**That was bad, even for you...**

_I didn't think it was that bad of a joke,_ the blonde thought with a whine as he mentally argued with the author. He continued to walk down the dirt road when his bitch senses suddenly went off. Swallowing in fear, the blonde masked boy slowly turned around and locked eyes on two people he strongly, no scratch that, HE HATED THEM!

_Oh fuck!_ Naruto thought as he quickly looked around for an alleyway. The dust cloud following his current objects of despise was getting larger, meaning they were walking faster. The electricity from their side glares was visible, and Naruto found himself muttering only one thing.

"I fucking hate the Author of my life..."

**...Did I just bash myself?**

"_HAHAHAHAHA!"_

The storming duo was none other than Yamanaka Ino and Haruno Sakura, the two top kunoichi of his class. Both had no care for him and vice versa. Ino, the platinum blonde on the right, was pressing her cheek against the pinkette to her right, which would be Sakura.

Naruto closed his eyes in preparation to be run over by the two Harpies...Only for them to part and storm around him. Avoiding him completely and leaving him unharmed. Naruto slowly opened one eye before blinking in confusion.

"Did...Didn't they recognize me?" Naruto asked himself before palming his head, "DUH! I'm wearing the Shishauzu digs! They've never seen 'em...Oh God yes...Today's gonna be so fucking fun!"

With newfound glee, the blonde about faced and ran towards the academy. A smile on his hidden face, the spikey haired blonde skid to a stop once he was outside his classroom. Pausing, Naruto looked around before bringing his hands up and down.

"Calm...Calm...Calm...Kill...Kill...Kill...Calm..." He chanted as he repeated the action a few times before suddenly smacking himself across the face, "Okay, I'm ready! YES! LET'S DO IT!"

He pulled his mask up fully, allowing the black and orange fabric to align with his facial build. Pumped, the blonde lifted his right leg and kicked the sliding doors down, drawing attention to him as he exclaimed to the group, "HELLO MOTHAFUCKAS!"

The whole room stared at him, even two girls fighting over sitting next to the brooding boy in the corner. The orange clad student blinked, the white fabric over his eyes shutting with his movement, before he looked at his wrist, "Huh, could've sworn Mizuki-sensei would've been here at least..."

"We're here all right, _Naruto_," a voice said behind him, making the masked blonde stiffen in his stance.

Looking at the nearest academy student, he asked, "If I turn around, will I piss myself?"

Receiving a nod, the blonde visibly gulped and began walking before a hand suddenly grabbed his shoulder. Instinctively, the masked boy grabbed the offender's wrist and flipped him over his shoulder, slamming the scarred brunette man onto his back with a loud crack as the floorboards splintered. The class was in shock, as well as the silver haired man still behind the blonde.

"Oh...Oh shit..." Naruto muttered as he slowly released his sensei's wrist, "I, um...Sorry, Iruka-sensei..."

The man simply stared at the ceiling for a moment before muttering, "Taijutsu grade...A minus..."

Registering what was said, the blonde whooped and pumped a fist, "YEAH, that's what I'm talking about! Chew on that, Snipes!"

"Who are you talking about, Naruto?" Iruka asked with a groan as Mizuki helped him up, "You've been acting...different for weeks now."

"_Yeah, I've been off killing people for cash and getting laid. I've changed fo' sho'!"_

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Sensei," Naruto said as he held his hands behind his head, "I'm as sane as Sabaku no Gaara...Oh wait, he's not here yet...I'm as Sane as Orochimaru!"

"That statement doesn't help my concern at all," deadpanned the scarred chunin, before he smirked, "And what's with the get-up? You wanna be the ANBU commander?"

Naruto scowled, "Fuck you sensei. Fuck you, and whatever chick you're screwing...Scratch that, I probably already did...Yeah, I totally fucked sensei's girlfriend."

Iruka blinked and blushed, "Um, Naruto...I-I'm not dating anyone..."

Naruto's whitened eyes widened in confusion before growing to the size of dinner plates as a sense of dread overcame him. His head swiveled around to face an angered Mizuki.

"You...You're the little shit that Tsubaki...She...I'LL KILL YOU, KYUUBI BRAT!" Mizuki exclaimed.

Naruto looked around before pointing at himself, "Do you mean me? Because I'm the only Jinchuriki around here..."

"DIE!" Mizuki exclaimed as he leapt at the blonde. Iruka acted quickly, shoving the boy towards the rest of the shocked class that was staring at their masked classmate with confusion and worry. What had their sensei meant by that and what does Jinchuriki mean?

"_Geez, dramatic much?"_

**Oh bite me. You bask in the attention...**

"_...touché..."_

"Mizuki, you just broke the Third's Law," Iruka said in a serious tone, as he struggled to push his friend back, "Do you realize what that means I have to do?"

"FUCK YOU, Umino! That little shit needs to die!" the silver haired man said, quickly pulling a kunai out and slashing the chunin's vest, making his friend-turned-foe back off, "He fucked Tsubaki-chan behind my back! I wondered why she cried out Uzu! YOU FUCKING LITTLE SHIT!"

Naruto grinned as he gripped the handle of his tanto strapped to his back and beckoned the chunin with his left hand, "Come on then, Cum-stain...Or does a quick-shot like you need an hour to start a fight?"

"DIE!" Mizuki cried as he leapt at the blonde, only for Naruto to leap up and push off the diving Mizuki's head, flipping midair so he would land on his feet in front of the chalkboard.

"Not today, Ass-wipe," the boy growled as he held his blade in a reversed grip as he narrowed his covered eyes, "You wanna kill me, get in line. I got a whole fucking village after me, and they're all itching for a chance that you just got."

"I ain't gonna waste it," the chunin growled back, reaching into his front pocket and unsealing a Fuuma shuriken, "Your ass is mine."

"Naruto, stay back!" Iruka exclaimed, "Everyone, go out through the windows. DO IT NOW!"

The students snapped from their shocked state and rushed the windows, crowding them as they tried to flee the area. Iruka looked worriedly between his friend and the students when his usually troublemaking student spoke.

"**Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!**" Naruto cried out, making seven duplicates, three breaking from the small group and going to the other students. The clones muscled their way past the others and started slamming their shoulders into the wall. The clones kept it up until the wall gave way and they dispelled, allowing the students to flee the room, some staying behind to watch the ensuing fight.

"Naruto...Wh-where did you learn that?" Iruka asked with wide eyes.

"The Author has decided that Danzo-jiji taught me some kenjutsu when I was younger, and he decided that I shall now reveal my true insanity!" the masked boy replied before twirling his tanto, "You may want to save me a headband...I'm gonna put this snake-fucker down...And I ain't talkin' about Anko!"

"You little-" "Mizuki!" the two chunin exclaimed, one in rage and the other in shock.

Naruto laughed madly before sheathing the blade and giving the taller man the 'bring it' gesture with both hands. The silver haired chunin cried in fury as he leapt at the blonde again. Naruto laughed as he jumped over the man in the manner of a child playing leapfrog.

"Ha! Ya can't touch this!" Naruto exclaimed as he landed just behind the third row of the seats. He then began walking backwards in a funky manner, "Uh! Do the Jackson Moonwalk! He-he!"

The blonde's victory dance was interrupted by another large shuriken being tossed his way. With a yelp, the masked boy dropped to the ground to avoid being hit. Popping his head back up over the desks, the widened white eyes on the preteen's mask locked on the smug grin of his former teacher.

"THAT COULD HAVE HIT ME!" Naruto cried out in mock alarm, "WHAT ARE YOU, CRAZY?"

"JUST DIE!" Mizuki exclaimed as he rushed at the blonde. Two pairs of arms wrapped around his pair, and his momentum was halted, just as an orange and black fist was thrown right into his gut. As the chunin gasped for air, Naruto grabbed his ex-teacher's head and pulled his left leg back before driving it hard into the silver haired man's face. The contact made an audible noise and blood flowed freely as it shattered the cartilage.

"FUCK!" Mizuki cried out as his head shot backwards, "You little-"

"Oh shut the fuck up," Naruto growled, his mood snapping to that of annoyance as he pulled a fist back before punching the chunin square in the temple and knocking him out. Dusting his hands off, the masked boy chuckled before looking at an awed group of students and their sensei.

Pulling his mask down, Naruto grinned at Iruka, "So...Did I pass the test or what?"

"_Dude...You do realize that the council would've thrown a shit fit if they heard about my test."_

**Ah, but you forget, Shishauzu; Iruka was once a rookie ANBU operative. His word far surpasses that of the civilian advisors/council.**

* * *

><p>"<em>Is the chapter over? Because I've got to get back to some Tsubaki loving...WHAT THE FUCK? What's with the letter?"<em>

**Yeah...Totally might have forgotten to mention that Tsubaki caught me in the shower...Sorry about that. She's under my-ohh yeah-desk...**

"_...Meh, ya had to get laid. I understand...OHH AYA-MEH~~!"_

**Hm...I wonder if I should've told him that Ayame's going off the pill...Nothing screams Deadpool like a Shotgun wedding! Heh-Oh, man...Tsubaki...You are fucking good...**

**AN: Review people...Just...Just review. (And yes. You are a bad person if you imagined it.)**


	3. Teams? F That!

**Well...here I am again. With my trusty sidekick-OW!**

"_Oh, I'm so sorry Tommy B, did that little kick hurt?"_

**...Just shut up and give the disclaimer.**

"_Tommy B doesn't own Deadpool or myself. If he did own Naruto, we'd be probably killing him because he'd have all the money, and if he owned Deadpool...let's not go there."_

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><p><strong>Weapon nXt<strong>

**3: Teams? F*ck that!**

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><p><em>Ooh, a promising chapter title, nicely done,<em> Naruto thought as he stepped out of the shower. He had come back from the academy to be visited by the Hokage's ANBU, special operatives that answer only to the village's leader. Two of them he had recognized as Danzo's ROOT, so he allowed himself to be escorted to the Hokage's office. The old man had questioned him immediately on his new attire and his attitude, making the blonde snort.

When he had been questioned over his skills, Naruto calmly explained that the author writing about their lives had a plan for everything and all answers would be found in the near future. He was then sent to talk to his classmate Ino's dad, Inoichi. The man had deemed Naruto stable enough for active duty, but claimed he was schizophrenic. However, Naruto countered this with his proclamation of insane soldiers being the best, due to their unpredictable methods, that and he swore he would never betray the will of fire.

It was enough to keep him from being shipped to a mental institution...although he did ask for a straightjacket anyway. Why he had asked for one, no one was sure (nor did they want to know), but Naruto had stayed up late that night, sewing and modifying the jacket to resemble his old jumpsuit, with a few twists. The sleeves were cut completely off and the old jumpsuit jacket was torn apart before being sewn onto the straightjacket vest. The vest itself looked like a more fitted version of the jumpsuit prior to the orange and black outfit he had taken to use. The Uzumaki spiral on the back was left alone, and the former patch on his jumpsuit's left shoulder replaced his buckle.

"Geez, describe enough?" Naruto grumbled to himself as he pulled his mask on, finishing his dressing. The headband he had acquired from the Sandaime was tied tightly around his left arm, the blue cloth given to most shinobi contrasting well with the darkened orange sleeve of his skintight attire.

"_Ok, I'm sure you've described enough now..."_

**Don't tell me how to write my stories! I could write you in a tutu if I so wished it!**

_I'll stop, I'll stop!_ Naruto thought as he left his apartment, his door clicking as it shut. The blonde jostled the handle twice and another, more audible clicks, alerted him that his modified lock had activated. Naruto's head nodded once and he left towards the Academy for the last time.

Shishauzu took to the rooftops, legally allowed to as he was an official shinobi and like in another dimension, only those with certain things could use certain modes of transportation. Taking to the rooftops was forbidden to academy students, but genin like himself (or sell-swords that occasionally took jobs from ROOT or the ANBU without the Hokage's knowledge) could freely pass over the village.

Nodding to several ROOT as he dashed by, the young masked shinobi wondered idly if being a genin would mean immediate D-ranks. The hidden face of the slightly insane preteen –_Oi!–_ turned into a frightened scowl as he realized the author would have a field day with the dreaded missions if he made one move out of turn.

"That is _so_ unfair..." Shishauzu grumbled. The blonde then slipped as he pushed off a rooftop's edge, resulting in his immediate plummet towards a dumpster filled with rotted foods. The resulting crash roused several civilians from their tedious duties, and none were really surprised when the scorned blonde pulled himself out of the garbage container, a banana peel hanging from his head over his masked face. The preteen frowned and grabbed the offending piece of trash from his face, tossing it off panel before glaring at the sky.

"Totally unfair," he reiterated. As if to spite him, a cat suddenly landed on his head and proceeded to rip him to shreds. The blonde preteen screamed in agony as he fought with the animal _–Demon!–_ before a kid his age landed just near him.

"Yosh! My youthful friend, you have stopped the unyouthful Tora from his fleeing way!" the boy wearing a green unitard, separated at the waist by a maroon headband similar to Shishauzu's own, cheered with a pumped fist. Said fist was wrapped in bandages, as was the other, and his eyebrows were far too large to be natural. His black hair was styled to resemble a bowl cut and orange leg warmers were wrapped around his legs, just over his blue sandals.

"Grr...Agh! Fuckin' little bastard!" Naruto snapped as he held the cat away from him, glaring through his scratched eyehole at the hissing creature, "You're lucky you're a plot device or I'd kill you, you little shit!"

"MREROW!" the cat replied with hatred in its yellow eyes. A small bit of lightning connected the two via eyes before the green-clad boy took the cat and saluted the still glaring blonde.

"Yosh! Farewell comrade! May we meet again!" he cried before rushing off to god knows where. Naruto huffed before looking at the sky.

"So what was that about?"

**...**

"Oh the silent treatment, eh? Well, two can play at this game, buddy!" Naruto cried back determinedly.

**...**

"..."

**...**

"..."

**...**

"..."

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><p><strong>~Scene Change~<strong> "CHEATER!"

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><p>As Naruto sat grumbling about cheating bastards that should probably be in class, he failed to notice the approaching promise of pain that was Sakura. The pinkette was smugly approaching the seat near her beloved Sasuke, but faltered when she noticed where Naruto was seated.<p>

"NARUTO NO BAKA! MOVE!" She 'asked' the crazy preteen. Naruto looked up and cursed himself for not grabbing a spare mask once again. That damn cat ruined his current one, and if that wasn't bad enough, no one seemed to remember yesterday at all!

When he first walked in, silent as he seethed over his loss, Kiba asked him why he was there. Naruto merely grunted and pointed at his headband. After humiliating the dog with a smokin' hot sister _–Epic Foreshadowing–_ Naruto took a random seat and sat there, seething quietly while he assumed the author was enjoying his victory, not at all noticing the brooding Uchiha that would occasionally glare at him from the corner of his eye.

Hence the current predicament our...protagonist found himself in.

"_What, I'm not the __**hero**__? That's fuckin bullshit!"_

**I'm sorry, what size are you for a tutu again?**

"Well, currently I'm a size seven, but if I hold my breath...Hey, wait a minute! YOU BASTARD!" Naruto screamed to the ceiling with a frown, "Fuckin' Author...Writing things that make me look retarded."

"You _are_ retarded," Sasuke muttered. Naruto glared at the broody boy.

"Watch it, Duck-boy," the blonde snarled, making note of the cliché emo duck-like hair his future primary emotional antagonist had via insult, "I may be a few things, but there's three things I'm absolutely sure of. One: I like Ramen. Two: I'm not a virgin or a retard. And Three: I'm gonna be the next Pokémon Master!"

Sasuke stared at the blonde pumping his fist in the air (earning frightened stares from the others in the room) incredulously before scooting slightly away. Whatever insanity was going on inside the Uzumaki kid's head, he wanted to be sure wasn't contagious. No way was he going to go mad by association with this loser. He had other things to do. Like obsessing over his elder brother and how he would kill him.

"_Irony~!"_

Naruto sniggered at himself before standing to let Sakura get to her seat. For reasons unknown, he dismantled the chair by his portion of the desk and tossed it out the window, barely missing the two next to him by centimeters.

Before the class' eyes, Naruto pulled out a large package from seemingly nowhere and ripped it open. A grey goop was inside, and promptly spilled onto the floor where his seat once was. Sitting down Chris-cross-applesauce, the blonde loon-er, _protagonist_, started to mess around with the dough-like blob before it barely resembled a chair, the process taking approximately fifteen minutes. Hands somewhat sticky from doing so, Naruto turned and grabbed the draping portion of Sakura's clothes.

"N-NARUTO NO BAKA!" the pinkette exclaimed with a flushed face and hatred shining in her eyes. She pulled her fist back to punch him, only to freeze when a blade was pointed at her throat.

"Look pinkie," Naruto said with a frown, "You don't like me. I don't like you. Really, I don't. Ever hear of the phrase, 'pulling the wool over your eyes'? Yeah, well that's pretty much all I was doing. So if you even try to strike me at all, I'm not going to let it slide. I will retaliate. There will be blood. Possibly some pee. And then nachos...mm...Nachos. I digest...Don't hit me or else. M'kay?"

Sakura could only manage a slow nod of her head while, once again, everyone else just stared in shock. Naruto, taking this as a good sign, smiled widely and plopped down in the goop-chair, surprising everyone when nothing went flying out at the action.

"Ah...Good ole C-4," the blonde sighed in bliss as he snuggled into his seat, "Man, Wade sure knew his shit when he did this in his comics...Look it up, readers. You'll find it."

"_Not gonna look it up yourself?"_

**Nah, I'm too lazy.**

"Bastard," Naruto snorted before the door opened and Iruka walked in, a bunch of vanilla folders under his arms. The scarred chunin glanced at the blonde genin before looking at the class with a smile.

"Today marks the last day you'll be in my classroom, and I'd just like to say it's been an honor teaching you all. Well...Most of you anyway..." Iruka trailed off as he eyed Naruto suspiciously. The blonde merely waved and gave another patented foxy smile. Iruka sighed before he continued, "Anyway, let's see here...Team 1 will be..."

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><p><strong>Why does everyone skip these? Makes you wonder doesn't it? Ah well, why be different? Or similar...? Whatever.<strong>

"_Lazy good for nothing sonovabitch..."_

**What's that, madam Frau? You need another tutu for the upcoming ballet?**

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><p><em>Douchebag...<em>Naruto mused irritably as he waited for his name to be called. So far, obligatory teams 1-6 have been listed and Naruto was getting tired of trying to remember the students his teacher listed off. Ah, whatever. They were probably cannon fodder during the Invasion.

"Spoilers!" Naruto suddenly shouted at the ceiling, though he knew that the author shouldn't be scolded, as fans of the Canon should be well aware of the Suna-Oto Invasion that occurs in the Chunin exams. Seeing as it's the second arc in the whole fucking series...which is backwards crazy.

"SHUT UP, NARUTO!" Iruka snapped at the blonde via Demon Head Jutsu. The insane genin merely frowned and glared at the ceiling, blaming the author for his misfortune. The scarred teacher took no notice of this and continued, "Now where was I? Ah yes. Team 7...Haruno Sakura...Uchiha Sasuke..."

"YEAH! TAKE THAT INO-PIG!"

"And Uzumaki Naruto. Your sensei will be Hatake Kakashi"

"FUCK ME IN THE ASS WITH A RUSTY SPORK!" Naruto snapped bitterly before glaring at the two next to him, "This is gonna be worse than Canon...I just know it."

"What are you talking about, loser?" Sasuke hissed as Iruka continued, naming teams eight and ten (as nine was still active). Naruto ignored the Uchiha heir and pulled out a pad of paper and a pencil.

"If I put the bomb here, but I don't want to stick my hand anywhere near there..." Naruto hummed as he tapped his chin with his pencil, "How else could I kill him violently, yet, ironically?"

_Kill?_ Sasuke and Sakura thought, one surprised and the other horrified. Naruto continued his musing aloud before an idea hit him.

"YES! That's what I'll do!" He exclaimed with a grin, "I'll give him a Reese's Cup disguised as an Oreo! That's how I'll kill the fucking author!"

**Wait...He's going to what?**

"_Serves you right! How's that Peanut allergy patch coming along, France? Oh, not until 2024, eh?"_

**Hey, fuck you, dude! Allergic reactions to peanuts are not fun! Hell, I blacked out last time, and we were in fucking Disneyland!**

"_Hm...Sucks for you. So, we done here or what?"_

**Grr...Fine. Truce...For now.**

"_Yeah, Shishauzu plays dirty. I also like the dirty talk. So. Want me to ask them?"_

**Yeah, sure.**

"_O-K! You read it, now I wanna hear about it! Review my lovable fans! REVIEW LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT!"_

**What have I created?**


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